I think I've hinted that big changes have been on their way. Well, they are. And I've signed a contract this morning assuring that they'll happen.
I think in the last post, I mentioned having occasional existential crises from time to time. I've felt stuck for not having much of a resume and not knowing how to get myself out of that hole.
In fact, a lot of the prenatal depression that I had with Linda's pregnancy was due to the fact that I had signed up for a class that summer and was planning on working on getting out of that lack-of-resume hole, only to find out that I was pregnant and I had no idea how to fit that in with my goals.
After Linda was born, I took some free classes on Coursera: organic chemistry, financial planning, environmental studies, Python. After completing the Python class, I had a birthday (yay 28!) and decided to give myself 2 years to finish up some knitting patterns I wanted to publish and other personal projects. Then when I turned 30, I'd apply for some coding bootcamps or get involved in computer programming in other ways and eventually enter the workforce.
In a particular slump this summer, I decided to just peruse available coding bootcamps and saw that there was one that fit me particularly well. It wouldn't start for a while, I could work out money to pay for it, and I was the perfect candidate! I applied. Then I got an email asking for an interview, so I interviewed. Unfortunately the interview went poorly, almost from the get-go. We just did not mesh.
So I expected the rejection email, but it didn't change the disappointment of actually seeing it in my inbox. There were tears. The hopelessness of never getting out of SAHM-ness was confirmed.
Meanwhile, I had a friend just return from living abroad who had done a bootcamp. She encouraged me to go to a front-end workshop in the city on a Saturday with her. She also sent me information on another bootcamp on a random Friday afternoon. I filled it out just to do something and didn't expect much.
But the next week I got an interview, and this time I knew I had impressed them. I knew I'd get the acceptance email and I was silently panicking on the way home from the interview- so much, in fact, that I took the wrong BART and had to get off and on again to get home.
This particular bootcamp had more complications than the other. Instead of not starting for a while, this one starts in October. Instead of being 10 weeks long, this one is 6 months. Both bootcamps are full-time in the city, M-F, 9-5.
Meanwhile, we were having issues with our homeschool charter and applying for others. Would we have to find an actual school now? Would the daycare have openings for our kids?
Right now the plan is to get a nanny who will take Margaret to her classes and we'll keep homeschooling. That's actually turning out to be cheaper than paying for daycare for the 2 younger kids. I'll still tour some schools and daycares because our nanny of choice won't be able to help us out beyond December. She also can only do a few days a week, so we need to find another part-time nanny for the other days. We did switch homeschool charters and found one which will pay for Spanish classes and maybe even some other classes.
This is where unschooling is great. I wouldn't expect a nanny to do any schooling with my kids; a nanny isn't a tutor! But since we don't have a specific curriculum anyway, then there's no worry about Margaret getting her schoolwork done.
Breastfeeding-wise, Linda is 20 months, so if she nurses less often, she's going to be ok. The biggest concern is my own comfort. After that Saturday workshop in the city, I was in pain! I'm probably going to pump a little during the lunch hour just so I don't get mastitis.
I don't know what's going to happen come January. And I don't know what's going to happen when the course finishes in April.
If you got through all of this, congrats! Here's a picture of Isaac. Aww...
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
I think I've hinted that big changes have been on their way. Well, they are. And I've signed a contract this morning assuring that they'll happen.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
CW: intrusive thoughts
I don't think I've ever blogged on or around 9/11 and there's a reason for that. I didn't know anyone in New York or DC. I was a sophomore in high school. But the aftermath of 9/11 was the first big time that intrusive thoughts plagued me.
It's weird having thoughts you don't want and not being able to do anything about it. I couldn't even explain them to you other than that it was highly distracting and sometimes almost escapist. Like daydreaming gone very awry? I don't know.
When the first anniversary of 9/11 was approaching, I realized that what was going on in my mind was getting out of hand and I needed to tell someone. I told my parents. They just told me that it would probably go away over time and figured that the looming anniversary was the cause. Once that passed, it'd go away.
And that sort of is what happened... except that intrusive thoughts didn't go away, they were just less 9/11-related and more related to other issues, usually my own failings. There was a time after I did something that I thought was really horrible, that I kept having suicidal thoughts even though death scares the bejeebus out of me and I wouldn't actually do it or plan it. But can I tell you how scary it is to have thoughts like that that you can't control? Then in college, the intrusive thoughts were more about how I'm not good enough to be in my classes and everyone is going to find out I'm an impostor, even though I really did earn my place. I kind of have a never-ending story of how I'm just never going to be good enough going on in the background.
And this story doesn't even have a "and then I got help and things are better" happy ending because I haven't. I haven't seen anyone about it. And when I recently went to the doctor for a regular check-up and mentioned mood things, I didn't really have symptoms diagnosable as actual depression or anxiety. So who knows? Exercise helps a little. Yay biking! My other coping mechanism is to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think about anything.
Anyway, 9/11 is a big trigger for me and just reminds me that I don't really have control of my own brain and emphasizes my inadequacy as a human being. I don't really post about it and I don't read about it.
I'll post more news soon. Things are happening around here.
Monday, September 01, 2014
So last week was a stressful time school-wise for us. We have been using a charter school for funds for our classes, but our great teacher retired so we were assigned a new one. She was not really a good fit. On Monday night we got an email saying that our first meeting was Wednesday morning in a library that was one and a half hours away by bike and public transportation. She told us when it was and said if we couldn't make it the other options would be even further away. I wrote back and mentioned we had transportation issues, but we still ended up going on Wednesday so that Margaret wouldn't be cited as a truant.
I was not happy about being told when/where our meetings would be without asking us what would work for us. For example, Margaret had Spanish lesson on Thursday. If that had been Wednesday morning, we would have had to miss the meeting and risk being truants all the while having her in a class!
Also, the teacher didn't seem to want us to use the money for Spanish classes or other "elective" classes. She wants us to buy curriculum, which I'm mostly against. I've seen so many homeschoolers buy curriculum and then have it sit around unused. Why buy curriculum if you can get everything online or at the library for free?
So I ended up telling the teacher that we needed a new ES and that this current arrangement is not going to work out. Three hours of public transportation with 3 kids for a half hour meeting? NOPE NOPE NOPE.
We applied for another charter school that has the same sort of "Independent Study" set up in hope that we'll get a more understanding teacher.
But we are also acknowledging that if none of this works out, then we'll just file the Private School Affidavit and pay for everything ourselves. We'll miss the class money, but maybe the freedom from hoop-jumping is worth it.
During Margaret's Spanish class on Thursday, I went grocery shopping with Isaac and Linda. Here's a picture of the kids in the bike bucket with bags of groceries (made from t-shirts).
And here's a picture of Margaret practicing violin, photography by Isaac.
Friday, August 15, 2014
I've been feeling particularly introverted lately so I haven't been posting much.
"School" is around the corner. Seeing all the first day of school pictures on Facebook and Instagram brings up my reservations about homeschooling. I'm always second-guessing our choice to homeschool. Though, I'd probably be second-guessing any school choice since there are so many to choose from.
Academically and socially, I don't worry about my kids. They've got that down. I just sometimes wonder if they just need the "culture" of it all. And I also wonder if I need the break from them. Actually, I don't wonder, I know I need a break from my kids, but putting them in school won't solve it. Margaret's the only one who is school-aged and I'd still have the other two at home. In fact, Margaret and Isaac play so well together that during Linda's naps, I get lots of time to myself every afternoon.
Margaret took a month of swimming lessons this summer. Going to the pool every morning for a month was so draining on me. School would be the same, but twice as much! I'd have to take her AND pick her up instead if sitting around for half an hour and then going home all together. If only Oakland had school buses or we lived in walking distance to a school! But with homeschooling, I can schedule days where I have no obligations, and that's almost as good.
Part of my introversion has manifested in that we haven't been going to our homeschool park days much lately. I blame Linda because of her nap schedule, but the truth is I'm glad her nap interferes with park day. I don't feel like doing another thing.
Our school year is up in the air right now. We haven't been assigned an ES (educational supervisor) yet and we can't set up the violin schedule for another week.
I think I shall be a hermit for a while. That sounds good.
Look: happy children!
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
This post has been a long time in coming. Initially I wanted to keep it to myself. I was one of the first 16 people to have a profile on Ordain Women (OW). Kate Kelly told me last fall I was the first profile up by about 15 seconds! To be honest, I didn't think the website would get much attention and it would fade into the background like other similar websites had done.
Some supporters, like my friend Suzette, have been upfront with their ward and stake leadership about their involvement. Suzette let her leaders them know when her profile was up, when she went to the Salt Lake Priesthood session actions, etc., and let them know she was open to any questions they might have for her about her involvement. I admire this. She's a good soul. I was not so forthright for a couple of reasons.
First, I try to not bother a bishop unless I have to. I don't want to take bishops away from their families if I don't have to. I save bishop meetings for temple recommend interviews, tithing settlements, the rare confession, and if they ask to meet with me for a calling. Other than that, I don't think extra meetings are needed. I don't want to be known as the woman who bothers the bishop for everything. My relationship with the Church and my relationship with my ward are two different things. I want to be known as the person magnifying her calling, accepting requests to give talks and prayers, bringing meals to people who need it, etc., not the one who calls up the bishop about things she puts on the Internet.
I also wanted to give the bishop and stake president plausible deniability. If there was any push from Salt Lake to discipline people on the site, they'd have the ability to go, "Oh? We had no idea she was involved with that! She never mentioned it to us..."
So I put it up as quietly as I could, which actually was not so quietly. The night before the site went live March 17, 2013, a person in my stake (excitedly) announced to a group of people in the stake, including the stake president and my current bishop (new as of fall 2013) and lots of ward members that this great Ordain Women site was going up the next day! My OW invisibility in my stake was gone before the site went live.
I just secretly hoped that people forgot what the url for the site was or that they had lives too busy to bother with the Bloggernacle.
And no one said anything to me, so that was good. I continued to do my calling, do my visiting teaching, all the normal Mormon-y things.
In October, right after we got a new bishop, I went to the Priesthood Session action, pretty quietly. I didn't tell many people about it. I didn't even tell my brother who lives in Utah that I was in town.
In November, McKay and I were asked to give talks at church. So we did. If the bishopric knew about my trip to Salt Lake the previous month, it apparently had no bearing on whether or not the bishop thought I'd be welcome to speak in sacrament meeting (btw- I rocked that talk!). At tithing settlement in December, the bishop was the one who brought up OW and I mentioned, "Oh, you know I have a profile up, yes?" He said he had read it when it was first up in March.
I went to the April 2014 action, this time with a little more openness. People in my visiting teaching group asked if I was going to the Priesthood session action and I was honest that I was.
I was getting good support and responses from people in my ward so by the time May came I thought, "Hey, I'll be open and spill it all out here!" But when I went to write this blog post, it was too long and wordy (as you can tell).
Then I heard that the fMh podcast was doing a series of episodes where OW supporters are interviewed. I thought, "Oh! That'd be a great way to shorten the post- tell it all there and then link to the podcast!" I signed up and recorded my interview.
The week after the podcast interview, it was announced that Kate Kelly had an impending disciplinary council.
That was a roller coaster for us all. I planned our local vigil for Kate Kelly. It was lovely and multiple people from my ward came in support. I have been so lucky and I'm grateful for my ward. I know they want me there and that they feel I'm an important part of the ward, even if I have some kooky ideas. Heck, even this past week I substituted for the youth Sunday School class and subbed for piano in Relief Society.
So, here I am linking to the interview if you want to listen. It was recorded before any discipline regarding Kate Kelly was made public, so that'll explain why that was never mentioned. I actually haven't listened to the podcast yet, so if the editors cut down the audio to say I hate kittens, I'm really sorry. I like kittens. If McKay weren't allergic, I'd get a cat.
So that's it!
I have an Ordain Women profile here. It was written March 2013, so if it seems "short" that's because we were told to keep it short and we had only so much room. I've seen longer profiles and I've been a teensy bit envious.
You can listen to the podcast episode here.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
A couple of weeks ago, we biked to the ward campout. The campsite was 16 miles away and the trip included a 1000ft elevation climb.
I carried all the kids in the Madsen and McKay pulled the equipment in the trailer. Here we are getting ready to go:
Our plan was to bike up to church (only 7.5 miles into the trip, but up 700ft) and refill the water bottles, have a potty break, and change the baby's diaper. And then from there, finish the route.
When we bike to church on Sundays, it is usually in the morning, right after a good breakfast. It is also not normally hot out, nor am I carrying all 3 kids- McKay takes one in the trailer to even out the weight we are carrying. We get to church in 45 minutes- it's easy and we have no stops or trouble.
But on this day, it was hot, lunch had been 3 hours earlier, and I hadn't been keeping myself hydrated. So before we made it to the church building, I had to stop twice because of feeling nauseated from dehydration and heat. I might be doing a triathlon in September and the fact that I couldn't do a ride that I normally can was disheartening. True, there was an extra 45 pounds on my bike this time, but still! I had an assist!
Oh well. Then we continued. 8.5 miles to go. I hadn't quite used half of the power on my assist yet, so that was a good sign.
We went through some neighborhoods (more water stops, more hills, so many hills) until we found a hill that we learned later is notorious for being a terrible, no good, very bad hill. If you are a cyclist in Oakland, you may know it as "Butters Hill." I looked at that hill and knew for sure there was no way I could get up that with the kids. McKay pushed his way through the intimidating hill, using his assist at full. I made the kids get out and walk. Still, pushing that bike up the hill was no picnic. I think the bike is about 90 pounds on its own (with the assist and battery) plus the baby, who I did not take out of the bike... it was rough pushing that up the hill!
The hardest part of this leg of the ride was just that once we were on Redwood, it was all windy streets, motorcyclists and drivers passing us too closely and too quickly. There were no good places to stop. One of our fellow ward members passed us on his own bike- his wife and baby took all the equipment in the car. We gave him some water and watched him ride off on his 20 pound carbon frame road bike.
When we were about 2 miles out, the bishop came up and offered to take the kids. We took him up on that offer and so the last bit was a lot easier for me. McKay's BionX was completely drained by the time we got there and mine was down to almost nothing. But we made it!
We tried out our Biolight.
I woke up way too early.
Linda was a bit muddy. Also, she liked this- it was "flying!"
The raccoons came and checked out our bike overnight.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Last weekend, we biked to the county fairgrounds.
Last fall/winter, it was decided that bikes are allowed on BART at all times, if the cars are not crowded. I assumed I'd never be able to bring my bike on because it's 7 feet long and definitely not something I could carry on the stairs. But I wanted to try.
To enter my knitting into the county fair, I had to take it to the fairgrounds on one of two days. Now, I could rent a Zipcar, but I thought it would be fun to try to bike. I was also thinking we'd bike over to Livermore after going to Pleasanton (where the fairgrounds are), but we ended up not doing that.
I have a friend who has a Madsen in Dublin and I asked her about bringing her bike on BART. She said that the elevators in Pleasanton would be able to accommodate it, but she couldn't vouch for other BART stations. So there was hope!
First, we headed downtown. At the first BART station (19th Street), we discovered the elevators were too small. Then we tried the 12th street station, where they were also too small. There was one more station nearby, so we biked over to the Lake Merritt Station. Also, too small.
But there's a secret about me that's not too secret: if I think I can do it, I probably will do it. And I was going to get that bike into that elevator.
So I did. My 7 foot 70 pound cargo bike is somewhat vertical here.
Funny thing: I got myself stuck behind the bike in such a way that I could not push the button to go down into the BART station. I went with my bike first, then my husband and kids pushed the button so they could get the elevator when I was done. It opened the door and look! They saw me there! So they pushed the button for me and I got the bike down the first elevator! The people doing Tai Chi in the BART station loved my bike (and my kids).
We paid for our tickets and had to find the next elevator to go from the ticket area down to the tracks. And when we found it, we discovered we were the luckiest people in the world. The bike fit in this elevator!
So we got onto the BART and rode to Pleasanton. The bike kind-of fits in the "bike parking" spot on the BART.
Biking in Pleasanton is... not nice. It's very suburban so the people aren't used to seeing bikes, even though we rode in bike lanes almost the whole time. In suburbia biking is more often recreational activity and not a commuting activity. I saw lots of people biking on sidewalks, which we rarely see here (and is illegal at least in Berkeley).
But we got to the Fairgrounds and here's a selfie in front of the building that my knitting now sits in.
It had been a long day and the day before, we started dog-sitting for a friend of mine. McKay was worried about the dogs being alone while we were gone, so our plans to go to Livermore were ditched and we came home.
On the way home, someone was sitting in the seats by the bike priority area, so the back end stuck out into the doors a lot more than on the way there.
Someone had told us they thought the Ashby BART would have larger elevators than the Oakland ones, so we switched BART trains to go up to Berkeley. On this train, no one was in the seats by the bike area, and our bike actually did fit and did not stick out into the door area.
Group selfie on the BART
Linda was being cute. That's McKay's bike next to mine.
Babies dig the BART.
When we got off at Ashby, we found the elevator: too small. We let other people go while we tried to figure out what to do. Suddenly, the service elevator opened up behind us and lo! The bike fit! If we BART with our bike again, I now know to bike to the Ashby BART. I need to learn if any of the San Francisco BART elevators can accommodate me. If they can, then a whole new world of adventures will open up to us.
I'd love to take the BART to SF and bike the Golden Gate Bridge.
Anybody know if the SF BART elevators can fit long cargo bikes?