Thursday, November 02, 2006

When everybody's gay, nobody's gay.

"It's true!"

"What's true?"

"It's true- about English majors writing about how everyone is gay!"

"Of course it's true; I wasn't making it up."

You see, my harpist friend, has just discovered this. It is well known throughout the world, that the only a few theses exist for a doctoral or master's English candidate can write:

  1. _______ (insert author, composer, historical figure) is gay.
  2. _______ was molested/abused as a child
  3. _______ molested/abused children
  4. _______ had a Freudian complex (Oedipus or other)
  5. _______ never happened (insert event such as the Holocaust, the landing on the moon, etc)
  6. _______ is after us (or other conspiracy theory)
And then, they'll spend 500 pages convincing you with loose threads of "evidence" from their works and life.
I find this amusing. A person could have 7 mistresses and 20 children, and they'd still be labeled as gay. Events which were documented meticulously (especially the Holocaust) can suddenly not exist. And believe me, EVERYONE had some Freudian complex.

But really, it's an ideal thesis. You can't go back and ask the person, "Did you conspire with the communists? Did you intentionally start a war? Did you have homosexual tendencies?" So the desperate degree wanting graduate makes up something to say, which can never be proven, unless you find a journal stating, "I was gay. And I single handedly started the French Revolution. Signed, some important person." Of course this isn't always as accurate as we'd like. For example, imagine reading this entry, "I invented the Internet. -Al Gore" when we all know it was I who created the Internet.

I am a math major. When I go to sit down and write a thesis, if it's good enough, it can be 7 pages long and no one looks away. However, if I were to go into English for my master's, I'd have to write a 600 page essay, that, when you white out every extraneously placed "plethora" and "cornucopia," you'd find it to be a specious, 7 page outline of how I, myself, question my identity.

Maybe they think they're being creative; maybe they really do believe what they are saying. But it's not going to last for long. There are only finitely many people in history. If they were all gay, how do you explain the existence of, say, yourself?

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