Saturday, August 25, 2007

100 Hour Board Envy

Don't know what the 100 hour board is? This is what wikipedia says about it. I'm going to all tell you a little story first.

This blog was not my first. This is actually my second. My first has since been demolished, erased, stripped, from the Internet. I started it the winter semester of my freshman year in hopes that if I had a blog that I was anonymous on, I'd get to be on the 100 Hour Board. I read the Board ravenously and I wanted to be a writer. The anonymity of a brown paper sack was my kind of life. I even fought a few man-eating worms to discover how to even apply as a writer. And so I applied.

My downfall was that I was a freshman and didn't have BYU experience; my freshman status didn't attract the editors of the Board. I did have an anonymous blog (which is why until about a year and a half ago, I was still completely anonymous on this blog: just in case I applied again and got in). I occasionally ask the Board questions and I'll use either a punny sign off or I'll stick to "Top Hat." Anyway. Now that I've graduated, I'll never get to write for the infamous Board. Alas!

But anyway, the reason I say all this is because as I was reading the Board today, there were some questions that I'd like to answer, writer or not. And if this is against Board rules, I'm warning Hobbes that I'm not afraid of his secret execution squad.

Board Question #38685
Dear Vixen of PB&J,
I do know exactly what you are talking about, but child, DO NOT FOLLOW THE PATH. It'll only cause heartache (or heartburn). A story from my experience:
Once upon a time I was being pursued by a man who would eventually become my husband. I knew that young men were turned off by girls who just ordered a salad, so I would order as usually and make sure I ate EVERYTHING on my plate. That's right. I was not going to look like a sissy girl! I wanted to proved to him that I was a formidable foe in eating contests. And so whenever I was out with him, I ate. And then, we were married, and suddenly, I ate EVERY meal with him and I hadn't changed my "eat everything on my plate in front of my boyfriend/fiance/husband" habit. So I gained a little weight. Only maybe 5 lbs., but once I knew what I was doing, I had to stop. I actually sat down with him and explained my situation, "Honey, I love you, but I'm a girl and I don't have your metabolism and I'm smaller than you, so I'm not going to eat as much anymore; don't feel like less of a man because I'm eating less. It's not that I don't appreciate the food you cook or buy for me. I just can't do it anymore." Thankfully, he's an understanding and reasonable husband, so it didn't bother him.
So girls, eat like you should eat. And that's the end of my story.
-Top Hat

Board Question #38686
Dear Romance Novel Author,
I really wanted to answer this because it happened so recently for me. It was August 1, to be exact (I know because my brother was with me and I was going to send him off at the MTC later that day). I did throw up on campus. And I didn't make it to the bathroom, but HOW COULD I? I was in room B104 in the JFSB. A map for those of you who do not know": My classroom was in the basement, so the only two bathrooms on that level are marked in red.

This is an old map from Google Earth, so excuse that. For distances, the building is about 100 meters wide, along each of its four sides (I'm guessing it's about square). So I'm running to the bathroom, to toss my cookies and it's going to be just under 150 meters, or under 500 feet. Now, for those of you who have had to rush to the bathroom to throw up, you don't have time to dash 150 meters! I'm no sprinter! I made it just around the corner to the straightaway when I couldn't make it any further. Luckily, I found a garbage can right there. Had I not, my elementary days of "Hurly Heather" would have revisited me (it's not my fault the school nurse wouldn't send me home because I didn't have a fever. I was sick, darnit, and for 3 years straight she didn't believe me! Fevers are not the only indications of illness!)
Conclusion: the JFSB was not planned for sick people in mind. 150 meters to the nearest restroom!! Sure, if I had gone up 2 flights of stairs, there'd be a "closer" bathroom. No planning in mind AT ALL.
Sorry you didn't make it to a restroom either, Paperback. Maybe we can set up a protest or something... "Barfers for Bathrooms!"

-Top Hat, who'll have to explain the "Hurly Heather" later. stupid school nurses...

And I think Uffish did a great job answering the Mr. Roboto question today.

1 comment:

  1. Nicely done. It's a shame you never got to write for the Board. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane,