Sunday, April 26, 2009

Clarification

I wanted to share a comment I made on a friend's blog a few weeks back.

I think the hardest part is differentiating between making judgment on an action and making a judgment on a person. When we judge a person "bad" we are essentially denying the ability of the atonement to save them. However, I think judging actions is different and we have to judge actions at some point. For example, it's fine to say "Murder is wrong" but to say, "That murderer is a bad person" is not.

This gets fuzzy when we start making judgments such as "spanking is no different than hitting." We have to be careful that we're not saying, "Parents who spank are bad parents." And as people on the receiving end of such statements, we have to remember to separate ourselves from the action. When people say, "Homebirth is risky and dangerous" we should remind ourselves that they AREN'T saying, "You are a bad mom for putting you and your baby in 'danger'."

Also, I wanted to clarify why I talk about unassisted birth, ECing, extended breastfeeding, etc. There are two main reasons:
  1. Because I found that these "alternative" lifestyle choices work really well for us and I want to share them- perhaps they'll work well for you. In the same way my in-laws and husband keep telling me that Disneyland is this cool place; I've never been, but they keep insisting, "Hey! We've been there! It's cool- you should go some day!"
  2. Because the people who make those choices can't find a lot of support sometimes- I want to give them that support. In the example of UCing, many UCers have no support from the people around them: friends, family. Their only support comes from online: reading the stories and blogs of people who've done it, too. I want them to have the support they need because I know I needed the same support. The same goes for "extended" breastfeeding: I want to have a carnival because sometimes we need to hear each other's stories and feel supported. I know one mom who feels very lonely because she's still nursing her 4 year old. I know another mom who tries to breastfeed her 2 year old less in public because she's worried about what other people are thinking.

I don't blog about these things because I think, "Neener neener neener- I'm way cooler than you!" And I try very hard not to come across that way. I hope that I'm doing better at that than I did a year ago and that a year from now I'll be better than today.

2 comments:

  1. I ADORE your blog. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted a homebirth. They aren't too fond of them in the country where I live. Maybe next time since we are moving. Either way I'm so inspired by your story. And I don't even think you'd mind that I'd like a midwife at one (at least the first home one!).

    I don't think you come across as judgmental at all. It could be because I think homebirth is cool. It could also be that I plan to homeschool my daughter. It could also be because we've been doing EC since 1 month of age. It could also be that I am also nursing a toddler. :) But, yes, I am rather lonely in real life. Everyone thinks I'm weird to do all these things. I tend not to talk about my choices-except the ones I'm most passionate about: ECing these days. :)

    Anywho, lovely post.

    I just lovingly confronted a friend about her spanking practice. She was (is) spanking over food and with her history of an eating disorder, I wanted to ask her if she thought that was wise.

    Ultimately, after reading God's Word I feel free NOT to spank. Is that why I confronted my friend? No.

    She said she had never thought about the "spanking a toddler over food/eating disorder thing" so I'm glad I said something. I have to admit, I felt strongly enough about spanking over food that I was willing to risk the friendship. I did think and pray on it for half a year before I said something. It was not rash.

    I think our conversation and subsequent emails went well, but I probably won't know for sure until we hang out in person again! I treasure this friend. I hope it will inspire mutual honesty.

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  2. I am SO glad I found your blog, and I am so glad you are a "Mormon mommy." I'm thinking about listing with the Mormon mommies blog now that I've discovered it. It is so reassuring to find another Mormon mom who has similar parenting philosophies as me. I feel like such a minority. I would love to write a post on my blog "How would Jesus parent?" and I'm so afraid it would offend people--but maybe it would make them really think about the way they parent. Anyway, I just discovered your blog, I think I will browse through the archives when I have some time.

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