Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Life Update

I wrote this on Monday, so when I say "yesterday" I mean "last Sunday." I didn't want to post this too soon after the Pride post because I wanted it to get some time at the top of my blog. Also, as you can tell, this is a long spiel about how life has been. Nothing too interesting, I totally understand if you skip it all, it was just nice to write it all out.

Before the life update, I wanted to share a couple more links about the Pride parade yesterday. Monya Baker blogged about the parade for Affirmation and included a picture of my awesome sign (I'd be more humble, except it was a pride parade. And that sign was full of win- so full of win that it made #27 in this list.) Tresa blogged her experience as well. And Laurie at Doves and Serpents. And Joanna Brooks did an overview of the many Pride parades that saw Mormon contingents this weekend.

This has been quite the couple of months. Some time in May I got hit with depression really bad. I stopped working out because when I did, I ended up either very cranky or napping most of the afternoon. I was trying to conserve energy, but I still ended up taking my fair share of naps. And the kids saw lots of TV. Monster's Inc. is the favorite at the moment. That and a really cheesy Netflix special on monster trucks. Margaret's opinion on monster trucks: "I want to watch monster trucks because they CRUSH CARS!!"

It was really classic depression: fatigue, lack of desire to do things I normally love (aka knit or blog), and craving sugar and wanting to just disappear in general. We all go through ups and downs, but once it hit 2 weeks straight, my brain told me, "Hey- this is when you tell new moms to get help: when it hits 2 weeks of every day, maybe you should do something about this." And of course, I didn't. I decided to "wait it out" and see if it'd just pick itself up on its own. Because you know, depression will magically cure itself.

In the midst of this, in May, I was talking to a good friend of mine about the upcoming summer. I haven't blogged about it, but June included a Disneyland trip and the Brave Wrap party in addition to the Pride parade. The trip to Disneyland was fun and we got to go to the new Cars Land before everyone else and without all the crowds. If you go to Cars Land, go at 8pm and watch them turn on the neons. And the race car ride is totally worth the wait- at least our wait, which was 1 hour for McKay and 10 minutes for me (rider swap!). I heard the wait was 5 hours on the day Cars Land opened to the public! Eek.

And the Brave Wrap party was fun, we did archery and played shinty and heard pipe bands, drummers, and saw dancers and weapons demonstrations. And we saw Brave in a specially made outdoor theater. And McKay joined the Pixar singers and was a part of the entertainment for the night (which got us reserved seats for the show- yay!) Sorry no pics at all for that. I took lots, but we aren't supposed to share them on social network sites, and I'm assuming public blogs fall under that description. McKay wore a kilt and I wore a dress I sewed myself. Fun times.

The kids got to see Brave the following week and Isaac wore his kilt to it. I think we're going to cosplay every show here on out. Monsters University will be SO MUCH FUN to cosplay. I'll have a real reason to buy fun fur yarn (you knitters are cringing, I know).

So back to me talking to my friend: the summer was looking overwhelming: we had/still have trips, I'm taking a class, and I was considering making a rather drastic decision in a mental state that was not really good at all. She listened like the lovely person she is- a very peaceful person. Then I mentioned Mormons for Marriage Equality and the Pride parade as an option for something else on my plate.

She responded, "That's so sweet."

"Yes, it is."

"You should do it. You love those kind of things."

She was right. She's remarked before that I'm a marcher/protester/holding a sign-er and she's not, but we have a lot of the same passions and work for similar causes. It takes all kinds. And when she said I should go to Pride, I knew she was right. It was exactly my element and I loved every minute.

Luckily, I was released from my nursery calling in this time frame. We were informed Memorial Day weekend that we'd be released the next week (while we were at Disneyland, in fact). That surprised me because my year wouldn't be up until July, but I'm not one to argue with a release. I'm good at nursery, but as I've mentioned before, I hate babysitting. I was cranky every Sunday when we got home from church- McKay even pointed it out at the end there that even when I wasn't going through this depression, it hit every Sunday. The bishopric member who released me also marched in the parade yesterday and I made a point to thank him for the release so I could go to Pride without finding a substitute for my calling. He laughed and joked that of course they plan callings and releases around the Pride parade!

So about that depression magically going away: about a week and a half ago, things started looking up. I even did some dishes (amazing!). I was a little suspicious that it was getting better, so I waited a few days before going back to working out- and I went a few times last week. A month off put me extremely out of shape- more than I thought it woud.

I didn't work out today because when I got up, I couldn't walk on my ankle (old injury from my teens, never healed). I wore my ankle brace at Pride, but I guess it wasn't enough. I'll go out tomorrow, though.

I've been trying to keep a normal routine for the kids: going to the park multiple times a week, a couple swimming trips, and even to Fairyland once and yesterday we went to Tilden Farm after Pride. Today was my day for doing "ALL THE THINGS!" but they haven't been done. House is still a mess, although I did clean the toilets and some of the dishes in the sink. Mid-afternoon I Facetimed McKay at work at told him how nothing was happening and how I spent the day watching videos of other people being awesome on the Internet and I was depressed at how I hadn't done anything all day. McKay was a dear and sent me a mathematical equations that draws a heart when you graph it and then said he'd send me a link that would make me feel better. I went to my computer to find a link to the Pride parade. I asked him about it and he said, "It's a video of you being awesome on the Internet." Aww.... That man is the best. Also, click on those videos. They might make you feel like you're not being awesome, but they are cool.

So that was longwinded.

Go on about your days. Eventually I'll pick up the energy to knit again. Maybe this week? We're going to the county fair on Wednesday to find out if I won anything for my parasol. Or I might just play video games like I have been for the past many weeks. I didn't have the concentration to knit, but I could play Zelda, so all was not lost.


  1. Funny how you say you stop working out because it makes you more depressed. I always find that exercise is one of the things that pulls me out of my depressions. I wonder if you might just want to scale it back a bit, or not have to have it include the kids (i.e. taking a walk alone when McKay is home). Just a suggestion. I know we all work differently, but thought maybe if you frame working out differently when you feel down, it might be able to help pull you out rather than bring you down more.

    1. Normally exercise does help my mood. But these were days where I felt like I was being allotted a certain amount of energy and that's it. It was: fell good, but have no energy for anything else or feel like crap, but have energy to deal with the kids. I was falling asleep while putting Isaac to bed or reading books to Margaret. But now that I seem to have gotten a little out of it, I'm exercising again (well, except this morning. we were up late at the county fair.)

  2. I always appreciate your honesty and this is no different. Thank you for sharing your struggles - it makes it easier for the rest of us to admit when we're struggling!

    One of my favorite helpful posts of yours was one time when the kids were stressing you out and you posted that you were hiding in the pantry eating Oreos. I love that. I appreciate SO MUCH that you admitted that sometimes kids are overwhelmingly stressful! Because you were honest and open in sharing that anecdote, I have the confidence and courage to admit that sometimes my darling baby stresses me out and sometimes I need a break.
    When I've been nursing my baby to sleep for an hour but she's biting me and kicking and fighting sleep, I have the courage to hand her to my husband and say, "It's your turn. I need a break." I wouldn't have been able to do that without you. I thought that since I'm the mom, I don't get or deserve breaks. I know differently because of you.

    Thank you.

    1. Oh I definitely have a nursing-to-sleep limit. It's usually about 45 minutes to an hour. It's been a little better lately now that Margaret doesn't nurse to sleep and I just have to put Isaac to bed, but yeah. The other night I stayed home instead of going to book group thinking, "Oh the kids spent all afternoon at the lake and will fall asleep so fast!" and hoping to spend some time with McKay. Instead, I spent over an hour trying to get Isaac to sleep and gave up and let McKay put them to bed. I was totally regretting not going to book group- either way he was the one who put them down! ARG.

      And I totally bought Oreos today. :)

    2. DD has always nursed for a looooong time as she falls asleep. From the time she was newborn, she'd nurse for at least an hour when we got into bed but then sleep soundly for a good five hours.
      She still tanks up for a long time going to sleep and it doesn't bother me. I get touched out now because she's a toddler and wiggles so much! Her feet kick or she climbs me with her toes and her hands pat my face and neck and she shoves her fingers in my mouth. All the wiggling makes me frustrated!

      I notice that she falls asleep much easier if we've connected a lot throughout the day. If we're busier or run a lot of errands and she's in the car seat more than usual, she takes longer to fall asleep. I'm sure she's tired, but she missed me and wants more of me before she can sleep...even though she sleeps on or next to me!

  3. I feel slightly less crazy for having read this post.

    My husband and I are living with my parents and I feel constant internal pressure to have things cleaned up and neat because whenever anybody visits, the state of the house is a reflection on me--like somehow, if I'm not getting the dishes (or other never ending chores--laundry, cooking, etc) done throughout the day, I don't deserve to stay here.

    I can see how having our own place would make it both better and worse. It's been a couple months of depression for me, I should probably see someone about it. It just feels normal though, since I've been struggling with it off and on since I was 6.


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