Saturday, September 13, 2014

Why I don't post about 9/11

CW: intrusive thoughts

I don't think I've ever blogged on or around 9/11 and there's a reason for that. I didn't know anyone in New York or DC. I was a sophomore in high school. But the aftermath of 9/11 was the first big time that intrusive thoughts plagued me.

It's weird having thoughts you don't want and not being able to do anything about it. I couldn't even explain them to you other than that it was highly distracting and sometimes almost escapist. Like daydreaming gone very awry? I don't know.

When the first anniversary of 9/11 was approaching, I realized that what was going on in my mind was getting out of hand and I needed to tell someone. I told my parents. They just told me that it would probably go away over time and figured that the looming anniversary was the cause. Once that passed, it'd go away.

And that sort of is what happened... except that intrusive thoughts didn't go away, they were just less 9/11-related and more related to other issues, usually my own failings. There was a time after I did something that I thought was really horrible, that I kept having suicidal thoughts even though death scares the bejeebus out of me and I wouldn't actually do it or plan it. But can I tell you how scary it is to have thoughts like that that you can't control? Then in college, the intrusive thoughts were more about how I'm not good enough to be in my classes and everyone is going to find out I'm an impostor, even though I really did earn my place. I kind of have a never-ending story of how I'm just never going to be good enough going on in the background.

And this story doesn't even have a "and then I got help and things are better" happy ending because I haven't. I haven't seen anyone about it. And when I recently went to the doctor for a regular check-up and mentioned mood things, I didn't really have symptoms diagnosable as actual depression or anxiety. So who knows? Exercise helps a little. Yay biking! My other coping mechanism is to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think about anything.

Anyway, 9/11 is a big trigger for me and just reminds me that I don't really have control of my own brain and emphasizes my inadequacy as a human being. I don't really post about it and I don't read about it.

I'll post more news soon. Things are happening around here.

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